RIGHTSIZING YOUR LIFE
by Ciji Ware


There comes a moment when you pass the half-century mark that is hard to pinpoint or even predict, but you know intuitively when it has occurred. It’s a flash of recognition, an instant when you realize something important has changed and that it is time for a change. Your old life just doesn’t fit anymore.

The signs can be obvious…or slyly subtle:

• It’s the day you put your youngest child on the plane for college
  
• The day you sign a divorce decree or your beloved family dog dies.
  
• It’s the week you witness a parent pass away
  
• Your spouse is scheduled for open-heart surgery—or you are
  
• The company that’s employed you for decades is sold
  
• Your job is handed to a twenty-five-year-old
  

The signal that change is in the wind might simply be the sudden realization that you’d rather take a class in memoir writing than teach another year of third grade--or continue as CEO of your company.

Such a day is usually bittersweet, and yet strangely full of promise. It’s almost as if a generation that is forecast to live longer, in better health than anyone in the history of our planet is about to walk down a totally new path no one has ever trod before. Indeed this looming phase of life can be fraught with uncertainty and, for some, no small amount of anxiety about what this “third act” will bring to a generation expected to live a very long time.

Some of the questions prompted by the approaching transition are seriously unsettling:

• Where will I live?
  
• What will my environment look like?
  
• What will it be like?
  
• Who will I be living with, spending time with, and ultimately depending upon?
  

RIGHTSIZING DEFINED

Before making a move into an active adult community, there are pressing issues to consider that revolved around abandoning the family home one is leaving.

In the course of my husband’s and my own journey down this “third act” road, I’ve come to think of this transition for baby boomers and the generations that bookend them as “rightsizing your life.” In contrast to downsizing, it is a process--not an event--and its outcome has more to do with the “right” of the equation than “size.”

It involves not just the square footage of a person’s living quarters but an approach to all aspects of living, holding out the opportunity “to get it right, once and for all.”

Rightsizing in this context is a conscious, practical, and psychological evolution in the way one lives one’s life, a process that enables people to create new surroundings that will profoundly impact the way they feel and behave.

It leads to simplifying, decluttering, perhaps even redesigning one’s environment. It may even prompt a move — either to smaller, more practical quarters or to a home (or homes) that could be larger, but more suited to your needs. The transition will, if executed properly, unshackle you from many real-life burdens and free you in ways you cannot now imagine.

For many, the rightsizing process will certainly involve physical
and emotional upheaval and could even result in a total reinvention of your personal ecosystem. For the resilient, however, these major life changes provide an opportunity for discovering the truest sense of home you may ever have known.

And I promise you this: there is a new kind of liberation is just around the corner!

SECRETS TO LIVING THE “RIGHTSIZED” LIFE

Regardless of a person’s income level or tastes for adventure in choosing an active adult lifestyle after age fifty (or thereabouts) rightsizers live their lives in the strong belief that they still have years of good living left.

They spend some time and effort figuring out their “core passion,” as author and cultural observer Gail Sheehy recently described it to me, and have found exciting interests to pursue and new reasons to get up every morning.

Happy rightsizers also have made a conscious commitment to the principle of simplicity, surrounding themselves with only the people, possessions, and activities they love. They didn’t just downsize, they made mindful choices about the who, what, where, when, and why of the places they considered — and ultimately selected — to live during their “third act.”

They also give considerable thought to the kind of people they still aspire to be and weren’t shy about striking out in directions that excited them— even if it meant sailing the seas or simply knitting in front of a fire.

For many the paradigm shift that is occurring is a move away from the notion of “aging in place” to aging in a community of kindred spirits with fewer material possessions to keep track of, yet plenty of time for sharing activities and pursuits that have meaning in their lives as currently constituted.

The goal of rightsizing your life is to make a potentially bumpy transition to smaller — or larger — scale living a lot smoother by fully preparing you for it emotionally as well as practically. The goal is to help people begin to liberate themselves from their “stuff ” so that they can enjoy a precious time of life surrounded by the people and possessions that give them joy in a place where they feel fulfilled.

My husband and I did it…and so can you.

I OWN, THEREFORE I AM?

In this journey we moved away from the idea that “we are what we have” and that if we have fewer things, we amount to less. Rightsizing your life examines these superficial judgments and celebrates our lives through thoughtful selection of the environment, possessions, and people that resonate for us.

Rightsizing is also a way to rescue you from being a prisoner of your possessions. It examines some of the emotional and psychological ties we have to material things and suggests ways to free ourselves from here on out so we can travel more lightly and revel in surroundings that speak to us in ways we never imagined.

The point is that rightsizing isn’t necessarily about shrinking your living space, although for the generations now in their seventies and eighties that may come to pass. It’s more about stepping back at around age fifty and beyond, taking serious account of your future finances, analyzing the particulars of your family situation, your likes, dislikes, and best choices among several nice-to-haves. It’s a process by which you learn to evaluate people, places, and possessions according to how they make you feel, choosing to live with the material things that truly have meaning because of their sentiment or utility — and preferably both.

Rightsizing is also a method for drilling below the surface to examine what your life is like now — not a year ago or ten years ago. It also suggests you “play it forward” and think about likely scenarios in the future. The exercise involves both the emotional and the practical aspects of making a change in your living quarters and your way of life.

BUT AM I REALLY READY TO RIGHTSIZE?

Any change, even one eagerly embraced, can give a person pause—or result in sleepless nights. That’s perfectly normal, as are the fears that factor into the decision of where to make your home. See if any of the following concerns resonate with you and add your own remedies to those listed below.


Top Ten Fears about Rightsizing

1. Fear: I dread being forced to deal with the contents of my home, especially the (attic, basement, garage, workshop, storage room, etc.).
   Antidote: Trust the wisdom of those who have gone down this road ahead of you: whether you move, or merely adapt where you are to suit the next phase of your life, getting rid of clutter is liberating!
   
   
2. Fear: I feel really sad about letting go of big chunks of my past.
   Antidote: Accept that the past is past. Letting go of it, while acknowledging feeling sad about it, can lead to closing the book gently on a previous phase of life. This acceptance, in turn, can open doors to new worlds, along with an appreciation for the advantages of the age you are now.
   
   
3. Fear: I’m afraid my kids would be upset if we changed or altered the family home.
   Antidote: Discussing future housing scenarios with grown children can lead to surprisingly positive results.
   
   
4. Fear: I’m worried that any change I make might be the wrong one financially.
   Antidote: Nothing is certain in life, but examining one’s options usually leads to better financial decisions.
   
   
5. Fear: I’m afraid that any change I make might produce a worse result than the way I’m living currently.
   Antidote: Carefully considered choices generally result in a better outcome, not a worse one.
   
   
6. Fear: I’m afraid that any change I would like to make will upset my spouse, sibling, parent, etc. and cause conflicts between us.
   Antidote: Conflicts with loved ones are inevitable; openly discussing possible changes and options can lead to compromise and consensus.
   
   
7. Fear: I don’t like change because the unknown frightens me.
   Antidote: The one constant in life is change. It’s okay to be frightened, but seek out better solutions anyway!
   
   
8. Fear: I’m worried that if I bring up the subject of making a change in our living situation I’ll end up being forced into doing something I don’t want to do.
   Antidote: Slavery has been abolished. No one can make anyone else do something they don’t want to do unless they give their permission.
   
   
9. Fear: I’m afraid what other people will think if we move to something smaller.
   Antidote: Some 60 percent of seventy-seven million baby boomers are expected to make at least one more move, so the people whose opinions you’re worrying about are likely to be envious of the well-ordered life you’ve created for yourself!
   
   
10. Fear: I’m worried that making these changes means facing up to
    my own mortality.
    Antidote: As one wag puts it, “Nobody gets outta here alive!” We’re born; we eventually die. Rightsizing will help us make the most of what we have now!
    

YOU KNOW YOU’RE READY TO RIGHTSIZE WHEN…

If you’re one of those people who have experienced that moment of truth, that tipping point that tells you that it’s probably — or definitely-- time for a change in your living arrangements, you’ll be able to see yourself in the following scenarios:

• You’re sick of putting up storm windows or mowing the lawn.
  
• You’ve occasionally wondered how many sets of dishes a person can eat off at one time or how many Beanie Babies constitutes a collection.
  
• The family pet has passed away.
  
• Your last child has gone to college — and your home feels empty.
  
• Your kids are grown and have moved into their own places; your home feels quiet and dull.
  
• Your spouse has passed away (or asked for a divorce) and your home feels too big and probably costs too much financially or emotionally to maintain.
  
• You’ve at last met the love of your life and are combining households.
  
• You’re moving in with a friend or family member and are combining households.
  
• Half your friends have left town — permanently.
  
• You have an unrequited yen to get out and see more of the world before you die.
  
• The thrill is gone from the way you’ve made your living all these years.
  
• Your company gave you a gold watch and declared you retired.
  
• You didn’t get the gold watch, but your full-time job has gone bye-bye.
  
• You’ve survived a crisis — a serious illness, death or abandonment of a spouse, a natural disaster like Hurricane Katrina, or a reversal of financial fortune — and are forced to make a change.
  
• Your elderly parents or siblings are failing and need your help.
  
• You’re not as spry as you once were and you need help.
  
• You are an incredible, forward-thinking person who never lets any grass grow under your feet and are planning ahead!
  

WHAT DOES THAT LITTLE VOICE SAY?

The key to figuring out what your intentions are is to ask yourself:
what is it you love?

• What activities do you enjoy pursuing?
  
• Where are the places that make you feel wonderful when you wake up in the morning?
  
• Who are the people you like being around?
  
• How does your life work for you now, as opposed to in the past?
  
• What were the peak times in your life where you had a sense of joy?
  

So what about it?

One way to sort out thoughts and feelings is to purchase a lined Notebook. Jot down the questions listed above and spend some time thinking about them. Later, you can write down your answers.

The question that soon arises is this: why don’t more people at these obvious crossroads that predictably occur during midlife and beyond simply sit down, consider their options, and make a sensible decision to rightsize their lives?

Because often it’s just not that easy.

Those practical and psychological hurdles already mentioned must be taken seriously into account. The good news is that there are steps to take and techniques to learn that will help you power through very real problems and uncertainties, fears and fantasies that have stood in the way until now. Through the process that follows, you can arrive at a place where you’re ready to make life-changing decisions that feel solid and result in tailor-made surroundings that suit the age, stage, and situation you’re in, as well as prepare you to segue into the future.


BUT WHAT ABOUT MY OVER-FLOWING BASEMENT?

Not only is America the world’s largest consumerist economy, we are also the world’s foremost collectors, whether of rubber bands and tuna-fish cans (like my late great-grandmother) or antique Santa Claus figurines, Spode dessert plates, frilly lace mantillas, duck decoys, or classic cars. There is just something compelling about owning a lot of something that “speaks to us.”

Mostly likely the single, largest impediment to making the transition into active adult housing is the challenge of sorting through what to keep and what to toss among a lifetime of possessions. Yet, there is hope, even for the pack rats among us!

Whether you are choosing among multiple examples of vintage dolls, old LP records, or run-of-the-mill multiples of fishing poles, frying pans, or frayed blankets, the winnowing process is the same:

• Do I love it?
  
• Do I use it?
  
• Do I have the proper place for it in my new environment?
  

These three questions will provide the launching platform to the new, rightsized you. Fortunately, there are additional systematic approaches to corralling our out-of-control abundance, jettisoning the possessions that will no longer serve a purpose in the next chapter of your life (but could be of great utility to others), and organizing what’s left around a lifestyle that suits you to a T.

The complete “how to” of rightsizing, however, is a story to be continued.